The Princess Died [In his bedroom, rthistle lies in bed and is playing All Star Baseball 64 or something like that. His mother comes in.] gsytam : Time to take your temperature. [rthistle starts to roll over.] gsytam : Oral is fine. Hmm, still 45. You'd better stay in bed. Your grandfather's coming over to see you. rthistle: He's going to pinch my cheek, I hate that. gsytam : You don't know how lucky you are - I wish he'd pinch me more often! I'll bring you some tea. rthistle: Long Island please. [gsytam leaves. rthistle resumes playing. After a minute gsytam returns carrying a Long Island Iced Tea and zander carrying an old hardcover book.] gsytam : Here's your tea. That will be $4.75. [rthistle gets out his wallet and gives her $7.00.] rthistle: Keep the change. zander : There's my boy. [zander pinches rthistle's cheek. rthistle rolls his eyes at gsytam, who looks envious.] zander : I'm going to narrate a story. rthistle: Does it explain the TPT? zander : It's got lots of calculus, physics and linear algebra. rthistle: Nothing artsie, I hope. I hate artsies. zander : A little bit of artsie stuff, but I can skip those parts. [gsytam leaves.] zander : Ahem. The Princess Died, by B.F. Morganstanley. [Fade to a countryside with a farm house. zander narrates voice-over.] zander : Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away there was a farm. And on this farm there was a girl, EIEIO. And on this farm there was a farmboy, EIEIO. With an email here, and an email there, here an email, there an email, every email, once upon a time there was a farm, EIEIO. gomonik : Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher. duez : You're under arrest. gomonik : Farmboy, fetch me that first-baseman. duez : You're under arrest. gomonik : Farmboy, fetch me that high fly-ball. duez : You're under arrest. zander : One day she realized that when he was saying "You're under arrest," he really meant "I love you." [Silhouette of gomonik and duez sitting on a hill painting some pictures and singing songs. Cut back to bedroom.] rthistle: Wait a second - you're supposed to skip the artsie parts. zander : Oh yes, of course. Now where was I. [Return to country side.] zander : One day, duez graduated and had to head out to seek his fortune. It was a bittersweet departure. duez : I will always come for you. gomonik : You're under arrest. [duez walks off into the sunset.] zander : A couple weeks later she got email that informed her that duez's company was taken over by the Dread Corporate Microsoft. Everyone knew that the Dread Pirate Microsoft laid off everyone after a takeover. gomonik : I will never love again. [Cut to scene of sidewalk outside of the EngSci building. tamka is standing behind Prince hauckg on a balcony.] zander : It was 7 days to Iron Ring, and the people of EngSci were preparing for the celebration. hauckg : My people! It is one week to Iron Ring. On that festive day, I will take my new bride. Would you like to meet her? eng0T1 : Please don't send me this crap. hauckg : I'm going to introduce her anyway. Behold, Princess gomonik! zander : As prince of EngSci, hauckg had the right to choose any bride. He had chosen gomonik, but she did not love him. She tried to forget her troubles by spending her days reading and writing email. [A computer lab in EA109. gomonik arrives and logs in. Three suspicious looking characters follow her.] cruzj : Excuse me, miss, but is there a grunt around? gomonik : I never see any. cruzj : Then there will be nobody around to notice that you left yourself logged in. [chiui hits gomonik on the head with a keyboard and they drag her off. Now back to the EngSci building, to hauckg's study.] hauckg : EngSci is preparing for an Iron Ring party beyond compare. My wedding must be perfect. Then when my bride gets her hardhat stolen at the party and it is found in the Varshitty offices the people will demand that we go to war with the artsies. mtanel : Ingenious, truly, sire. We're already working on getting all the f!rosh out of the common room so that nothing will be able to screw up the party. hauckg : Excellent. If the BFC existed (which it doesn't), then you could enlist it to help you. mtanel : The what? hauckg : What what? [St. George Street. chiui, cruzj and hotamar shove gomonik into the back seat of a neon. cruzj is peels a crest from a UofT jacket, sticks it to one of gomonik's notebooks and leaves the notebook outside of the EngSci building.] cruzj : Pretty soon someone will notice that gomonik is missing, and when they find this "ARTS" crest stuck to her notebook, they will blame it on the artsies! When they find her body on the SAC dome, all hell will break loose. hotamar : You didn't say anything about killing her! cruzj : You let me deal with that. I just hired you to help me start a war. [cruzj finishes with the notebook and crosses the street to drop it off.] chiui : She won't force us to do anything. hotamar : Then she can't accelerate us. hotamar : She seems a bit stressed. chiui : If we knew her Young's modulus, we could compute her strain. hotamar : You have a great talent for formula work. chiui : Back in the day that was several thousand dollars. And it's actually a really small amount of work, since the forces and distances involved are small. [cruzj returns.] cruzj : No more of that, I mean it! chiui : Was that arithmetic, geometric, harmonic? Some sort of power mean? cruzj : Argh! hotamar : What if someone follows us? cruzj : That could happen with probability 0. [The three hop in the car and take off. They get on the DVP. The traffic is really, really bad. hotamar keeps checking the passenger side mirror and turning around.] cruzj : Why do you keep doing that? hotamar : I thought I recognizes someone in a car behind us. cruzj : That would have probability 0. Nobody who wasn't at skule could know where we are, and nobody from campus could have gotten here so fast. hotamar : Are you sure nobody could have followed us? cruzj : That event definitely has probability 0. hotamar : It's just that I thought that 'stang was following us. [cruzj looks back and changes lanes a couple of times. The Mustang follows suit.] cruzj : This has zero probability! hotamar : You keep saying that. I do not think it means what you think it means. I wonder if he is using the same gas that we are. cruzj : Never mind! He's too late! We're almost to the 407ETR. Only chiui has the transmitter to take that highway! He'll have to drive around for hours trying to find us. [The traffic slows to a crawl, and gomonik, seizing the opportunity, jumps out of the car. In the next lane, however, cars are zooming by and she doesn't dare to cross.] cruzj : Do you hear that noise, your highness? Those are the squeaking wheels. They always get louder when they're about to roll over human flesh. Get back in the car and I promise that no harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the wheels. [gomonik looks around in panic. Cut back to the bedroom.] zander : She doesn't get crushed at this time. rthistle: What? zander : She doesn't get crushed - I'm telling you because you look a little worried. rthistle: I'm not worried. Maybe a little concerned, that's all. [Back to the DVP. They come to the interchange, but the Mustang follows them. They pull off at the next exit, and cruzj sets some explosives under the offramp. Just as the mustang comes around the turn she sets them up, sending the ramp crashing down in rubble. A student dressed all in black starts to climb down from the ledge.] cruzj : He didn't get killed?! Zero probability! You stay here and take care of him when he gets down. hotamar : I'm going to take him left handed. cruzj : You know what a hurry we're in! hotamar : Otherwise it's over too quickly. cruzj : OK, have it your way, but make it fast. [cruzj and chiui take off on foot while hotamar fletches her darts. After a few minutes the student in black climbs over the ledge. He's wearing sunglasses so his eyes are not visible, but it's easy for the audience to tell that it's duez in a cheap disguise. He looks at the dartboard that hotamar has hung from a nearby sign, pulls some darts out of his backpack and starts to fletch them.] hotamar : Please - wait until you are ready. duez : Thank you. hotamar : I don't mean to pry, but you don't, by any chance, happen to have 8 fingers on your left hand? duez : Do you always begin conversations this way? hotamar : My father was killed by a 13 fingered man. [duez shows his left hand which has only 6 fingers.] hotamar : My father was a great typist. He designed keyboards that would increase productivity and reduce RSI. One day the 13 fingered man arrived and requested a special keyboard. My father obliged. He came up with this layout. [She produces a keyboard with most of the letters on the left in rows and a block of numbers, function keys and such on the right.] duez : I've never seen anything like it. hotamar : When he was finished the 13 fingered man arrived and demanded it, but with keys that clicked. My father refused, and without a word the 13 fingered man hit him over the head with a spare 101-key that was lying nearby. Naturally I challenged my father's killer to a duel. I could only type 35wpm, though, and so failed. The 13 fingered man left me alive, but he gave me these. [She shows her hands, and has a scar on each fingertip.] hotamar : Ever since then I've dedicated my life to typing, so that next time I will not fail. When I finally find the 13 fingered man I will tell him, "Hello, my name is hotamar. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I'm coming to get you. It's payback time. You're going to wish you'd never messed with hotamar, typist, master of the keyboard and your worst nightmare!" OK, ready to play? duez : I guess so, you've already been more than generous. hotamar : You seem a decent fellow, I hate to embarrass you. duez : You seem a decent fellow, I hate to be embarrassed. [She scowls at him. They both hit a double 20 with their first dart and the game looks like a good one.] hotamar : I see you're using a MacDonnell grip. duez : I thought it fitting considering the dim light. hotamar : I guess you expect me try for the O'Malley sequence. duez : Naturally, but I find that Green-Johnson cancels out the O'Malley sequence. hotamar : Unless, of course, your opponent has practiced her Gainsborough-Wang-Fitzhugh, which I have. [They are obviously both masters and the duel goes on.] hotamar : You are amazing! duez : Thank you, I've spent a long time practising. hotamar : I admit it, you are better than I am. duez : Then why are you still smiling. hotamar : Because I know something that you don't. duez : Oh, and what's that? hotamar : I am not left handed! [hotamar switches to her right hand and immediately hits two triple-20's and (just for show) a bullseye. duez falls behind and hotamar starts to gloat and plays a little less seriously.] duez : I think there's something you should know. I'm not left handed either! [hotamar looks a bit worried as duez switches to his right hand and hits 3 bullseyes just for show. duez is just about finished counting down, and hotamar is looking on in amazement.] hotamar : Who are you? duez : Noone of consequence. hotamar : I must know! duez : Get used to disappointment. [Sure enough, on his next set, with 54 to go duez hits a double 20 followed by a double 7. hotamar sits down and hangs her head.] hotamar : Kill me quickly. duez : I'd as soon destroy a stained glass window as a dartist as yourself. But since I can't have you following me, either... [He ties her up loosely and rolls her in the ditch, then runs off in the direction that cruzj and chiui took gomonik. cruzj looks back down the road down the hill and sees the student in black coming after them.] cruzj : Give me the girl. You stay here and finish him your way when he comes around the corner. chiui : OK. What's my way? cruzj : You hide over there, and when he shows his head, you hit it with an arrow! Got it? chiui : My way's a lot like a sportsman, but not very sportsmanlike. [cruzj runs off dragging gomonik and chiui nocks an arrow and crouches in the shadow. When duez comes around the corner he pauses to catch his breath. An arrow rushes past him and bounces off the wall.] chiui : I don't have to miss, I went to OFSAA for archery. duez : I believe you. So what happens now? chiui : I put down my bow and you put down your darts and we face eachother as god intended - playing UNO. duez : Frankly I think the odds are in your favour. chiui : I could kill you now. [They both put down their weapons, and chiui takes out the UNO deck.] chiui : Why do you wear your sunglasses at night? Are you a Corey Hart fan or something? duez : No, it's just that I find it incredibly comfortable. I think pretty soon everyone will be doing it. [He hits her with a pick up 4, and changes it to red.] chiui : I just figured out why you're giving me so much trouble. It's been so long since I just played against one person. When you have 5 or 6 people, then the skip-a-turns and change-directions are used differently. duez : Is that so? UNO! [He plays his last card, picks up the black plastic card holder and hits her over the head with it. He checks her vital signs 6 or 7 times to make sure she's still alive and well.] duez : I don't envy you the headache you will have when you awake. Until then, sleep well and dream of me. [He runs off again. Meanwhile back at the demolished intersection hauckg, mtanel and their cronies have arrived in search of Princess gomonik. mtanel is sitting in his Pathfinder while hauckg examines the dartboard on the sign and ropes in the ditch.] hauckg : There was a mighty duel. It ended with a double 20 and a double 7. The loser was tied up, rolled in the ditch, got free, had a coffee in that coffee shop, then went home to watch Leno. The winner followed those footprints. [Meanwhile over on the other side of the hill, duez is still in pursuit. He comes upon cruzj sitting at a table with a bottle of Absolute Citron. She's holding a knife to gomonik's throat, who sits beside her with her hands tied and a blindfold on.] cruzj : Don't come one step closer. duez : What happens now? cruzj : It seems we have come to a stalemate. I'm no match for your strength, and you're no match for my intelligence. duez : You're that smart? cruzj : Let me put it this way. Have you heard of Smith, Dmitrevsky? duez : Of course. cruzj : Morons! duez : Very well. I challenge you to a battle of wits. cruzj : To the death? duez : Well, whatever. cruzj : OK, have a seat. [duez sits down at the table and produces an Erlenmeyer flask. He hands it to cruzj who looks curious.] duez : Smell this but do not touch. cruzj : I do not smell anything. duez : What you do not smell is indeed nothing. Pour the vodka. I will put a little bit of nothing into one of these glasses. You determine which one has nothing more, then we both drink, you from your glass, I from mine. [cruzj pours the vodka. duez takes both glasses, turns around so that cruzj can't see, then returns the glasses to the table.] cruzj : All I have to do is deduce which glass contains nothing from what I know of you. You bested my dart player, so you must have spent some time in bars, so you may have had vodka with nothing before, and hence might have put nothing in your own glass. However, you might have had nothing with vodka and disliked it, so you might have put it in my glass. You also bested my archer, so you must be fast, so you might have put the nothing into my glass thinking that you'd have a chance to switch the glasses again when I wasn't looking. duez : Truly you have a dizzying intellect. cruzj : Wait 'til I get started! We all know that nothing comes from Australia, and that Australia is populated by Australians, and that Australians like to say "g'day mate," so you might have put the nothing in your own glass. But you must have suspected I'd know a lot about nothing, so you'd put the nothing into my glass. duez : I'm not going to give anything away. cruzj : Too late! You've given everything away. Now we drink, you from your glass, I from mine. Oh my god, is that Mike Harris?! [duez turns quickly to look, and indeed Mike Harris is passing by. They both drink. cruzj passes out.] duez : You guessed wrong. cruzj : Ha ha ha! You only THINK I guessed wrong! When you turned to look at Harris, I put nothing in your glass. Then I poured out mine and poured some more vodka! You committed one of the classic blunders. The first two of which are `never get involved in a land war in Asia' and `never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line', but only slightly less well known is `you can lead a horse to water, but you can't tell where there's nothing, even after you add vodka to it.' [She continues laughing hysterically, and eventually passes out. duez quickly unties gomonik and removes her blindfold.] gomonik : If you put nothing in her glass, it must have stayed there when she poured out her drink. duez : I put nothing in both glasses. She's just a light drunk. [A horn sounds. They look and see a Pathfinder coming down the street. duez grabs gomonik and drags her off. They run through a vacant lot and stop at the top of a hill overlooking a new subdivision.] gomonik : It's no use running. hauckg is the best guy in the whole wild world. Wherever you go, he'll find you. duez : You think your boyfriend is going to save you? gomonik : I didn't say he was my boyfriend. I know who you are. You work for the Dread Pirate Microsoft. Your rush to do things without thinking them through gives it away. duez : Well done. gomonik : My boyfriend went to work there and nobody ever escapes. duez : We can't afford to make exceptions. I think maybe I know who you're talking about. We asked him why he wanted a job, and he told us about his girlfriend and how he wanted to take her out and needed the money. I can only assume he meant you. Tell me, after he started with us, did you find a new boyfriend the same day, or did you wait a whole week? gomonik : I was upset, you idiot. duez : Don't call me names. Next time I'll make fun of your height. gomonik : You'd better think twice about what you let out of your mouth! [The pathfinder pulls up and they're caught in the headlights. As duez looks up, gomonik shoves him and he tumbles down the hill.] duez : You are under arrest! gomonik : Oh! My sweet duez. What have I done? [She throws herself down the hill after him. She rolls up next to him at the bottom. Some Disney music starts playing...] rthistle: Oh no, not more artsie stuff. zander : Sorry. Let's see. They were lost in the suburbs. [duez and gomonik find themselves in someone's back yard. They hurry around to the front sidewalk where they come upon a man walking his dog.] ivanc : Nice night for a walk, isn't it? duez : Certainly is. ivanc : Are you that couple that moved in to 1280? I don't think I've seen you around. duez : No, we're just visiting some friends. ivanc : Oh? Who? Someone on this block? I'm ivanc, your friends have probably mentioned me. [duez reaches into his pocket and pulls out his keychain, checks it over and puts it back.] duez : That's my beeper. We've got to hurry home and check on the, uh, bread in the oven. ivanc : OK, nice meeting you! [They hurry off as ivanc starts whistling and resumes his walk.] gomonik : I thought you were working for the Dread Pirate Microsoft. duez : It's a funny story really. The part I told you about the job interview was true. The interviewer told me how it all worked. They hire all sorts of people, and the only ones that don't escape are the ones that actually have skills. Do you understand now? gomonik : I think so. [Just then, she steps in some dog dung. duez quickly pulls her out.] gomonik : We're never going to make it! duez : Nonsense! The suburbs are actually quite nice. Think about it. What are the 3 terrors of suburbia? The neighbours? Easy, just pretend you got paged or called on your cell phone. The dog droppings? You discovered that for us. gomonik : What about VLSI? duez : Very Large Scale Insects? I don't think they exist. [Just then a really big cockroach scurries out on the sidewalk. duez steps on it, but twists his ankle. Having successfully fought off the VLSI, they hurry out of the subdivision to a more commercial district. Just as they come to the intersection, the Pathfinder pulls up and hauckg and mtanel jump out.] hauckg : Get in the car. duez : Never! mtanel : You have no choice. duez : We can live quite nicely in the suburbs. [hauckg honks his horn and a bunch of his henchmen ride up on bikes, blocking the return into the residential area.] hauckg : Get in. duez : Death first! gomonik : Will you promise not to hurt him? duez : What? hauckg : What? gomonik : Will you promise not to hurt him? duez : What? hauckg : What? gomonik : Will you promise not to hurt him? hauckg : Of course. gomonik : He works for the Dread Pirate Microsoft. Promise me you'll return him to his place of business. hauckg : Of course. I swear it will be done. [hauckg gets on his cell phone and calls a taxi. gomonik gets in the Pathfinder and they take off. mtanel stays to take care of duez.] mtanel : Come now, we'll have to get you back to work. duez : We are men of action. Ties do not become us. [duez notices that mtanel has 8 fingers on his left hand.] duez : I see you have 8 fingers on your left hand. Someone I know is looking for you. [mtanel takes off one of his shoes and hits duez over the head, knocking him out.] zander : It was the night of the Iron Ring party, tamka was dead and gomonik and hauckg had been married. [Cut to rthistle's bedroom.] rthistle: What do you mean? gomonik can't marry hauckg! Who kills hauckg? zander : Nobody kills hauckg. rthistle: Are you kidding me? Who made up this story? zander : Sure wasn't me. Maybe we should stop for today, you seem a little bit upset. rthistle: No, go ahead, we had better get this over with. [Fade back to the EngSci building.] zander : Let's see. It was the night of the Iron Ring party, tamka was dead and gomonik and hauckg had been married. gomonik gave audience to her subjects again, this time as their queen. [gomonik walks out along the sidewalk, and a dirty old woman starts yelling at her.] conroy : Boo. Booooo. That's it, bow to her, the queen of filth, the queen of garbage, the queen of Scarborough. gomonik : Why do you say these things? conroy : Your true love lives and yet you marry another! [gomonik wakes from her sleep. Whew! It was all a dream!] zander : It was 2 days to Iron Ring, tamka was still alive and gomonik's dreams were getting worse. rthistle: See, I told you. zander : Yes, yes, you're very smart. Now shut up. [gomonik runs in to hauckg's study where he's meeting with his Master at Arms, karczma.] gomonik : I hate you! If you make me marry you I'll kill myself! hauckg : Well, we can't have that. I guess I'll have to find your boyfriend for you. But what if he doesn't want you anymore? You gave him up the other day, you know. gomonik : I know, but he'll always come for me. hauckg : You're under arrest. OK, I'll send for him. He's got 2 days. [gomonik runs out.] hauckg : How are the plans for the wedding? karczma : There are 5 or 6 people from the class guarding the front door. The common room is almost clear of f!rosh. There are some drunk 0T0s causing problems, though. hauckg : Get rid of them. Everything must be perfect. [chiui is watching over hotamar, who is passed out drunk in the common room. duez rushes in, out of breath.] duez : I can't stay long, but I'm going to need your help raiding the EngSci building. I need to save Princess gomonik from hauckg before his wedding. chiui : Do I know you? duez : Remember the UNO? That was me. chiui : Oh, I didn't recognize you without your sunglasses. duez : When she wakes up, tell her that the 13 fingered guy is mtanel, hauckg's left hand man. We'll get him, too. I gotta go, back tonight. Sober her up. [duez rushes off. chiui looks out the window, and a minute later mtanel goes by in the Pathfinder, with a bunch of hauckg's men following on bikes. She sets to work getting hotamar to recover. Meanwhile duez finds his way up the ivy to gomonik's window and climbs into her room.] gomonik : duez! duez : Have no fear, I will save you! gomonik : There are a bunch of people standing watch, we'll never get out. There will be more tomorrow. I'm so scared, what are we going to do? duez : Take off all your clothes. gomonik : You must have read my mind, but don't you think we should escape first? duez : I have a plan. You can dress up like me and go out the window. I'll stay, pretend to be you and create a diversion while you escape. Then find chiui and hotamar and come raid the building tomorrow. gomonik : Uh, I don't think this happened in the movie. [They switch outfits and gomonik goes out the window as duez leaves her room, goes downstairs and runs out the front door. As the guards run after duez (happily dressed as the princess), gomonik dashes away dressed as the student in black. As the guards escort duez back to the princess' quarters, gomonik looks back in triumph just as mtanel pulls up beside her in the Pathfinder.] mtanel : Well, well. Look who we have here. You won't get away from us again! [mtanel takes off his other shoe and hits gomonik over the head, thinking it is duez. When she comes to, she's strapped to a desk with little clamps holding her eyes open. There's an albino beside her poking the bruise on her forehead.] gomonik : Where am I? grinspy : The pit of despair. Don't even think about trying to escape. You have to be here for a full 50 minutes. gomonik : Stop poking me. grinspy : The boss likes to have people a little bit uncomfortable even before the lecture starts. gomonik : So it's going to be torture then? grinspy : Yep. gomonik : I can take torture. grinspy : Nope. [mtanel comes in to introduce the speaker.] mtanel : This is a new experimental torture. I'm going to start out on one of the lower settings. [A professor comes in and gives a lecture on the formal definitions of limits and derivatives. After about 5 minutes, gomonik is ready to fall asleep, but grinspy keeps poking her, and the clamps and bindings keep her staring straight at the lecturer. By the end she is in a pretty bad state. mtanel returns.] mtanel : I'd like you to fill out this course evaluation form and return it to your class rep. This is for posterity, so try to be honest. [Back at the EngSci building, hauckg comes in to see gomonik.] hauckg : Just one day to Iron Ring. And our wedding, of course. duez : I suppose. You're not much of a man compared to my previous boyfriend, though. That duez, whoa, what a man. hauckg : But my power, my wealth! We'll always be happy! duez : Yeah, but he was smart, funny, and, well, he could beat the crap out of you with both bulging arms tied behind his well muscled back. [hauckg storms out, and minutes later storms into the pit of despair.] hauckg : You two could have been truly happy, but only I am important. So we have a special speaker today. mtanel : No! You wouldn't! [Another professor comes in and starts lecturing on a comparative philosophical analysis of Kerouac and Aeschylus. After 25 minutes the princess died.] rthistle: What do you mean she died? zander : The princess died. It's the name of the book. rthistle: She can't die! zander : Of course she can. I can think of lots of ways. Maybe we should stop for today, you seem to be taking this a bit too seriously. I can come back and finish it tomorrow. rthistle: Didn't we already go through this? zander : Hmm, yeah, I guess we did. OK, where was I? As she died, gomonik let out a snore unequalled in history. [In the common room, chiui hands a cup of coffee to hotamar who has just about recovered.] hotamar : Did you hear that? chiui : Of course, who didn't? hotamar : We had better go check that out, that couldn't have been natural. [They hurry off to Galbraith, where they find grinspy in the hall.] hotamar : We're looking for a student in black. grinspy : Oh yeah, he's down, uh, I haven't seen anything. hotamar : chiui, jog his memory. [chiui hits grinspy in the jaw with a nice right hook and he goes down like a sack of potatoes.] chiui : Sorry, didn't mean to jog it so hard. hotamar : No problem, he had it coming. [hotamar closes her eyes and grasps a dart in her right hand.] hotamar : Father, if you can hear me, guide my hand and help me avenge your death. [She throws a dart and it slides down the hall, under the door and into the stairwell. It slides over the edge, falls down the stairs, and bounces through the door just as a student opens it, sticking into a wooden door in the basement. hotamar and chiui follow it down.] hotamar : Thanks, dad. [They open the door to find gomonik dead in the chair.] chiui : We're too late. hotamar : We can't be, we're the good guys. chiui : I thought we we're the bad guys. hotamar : We were, but now we're the good guys. chiui : OK. You remember Miracle stras who worked for tamka all those years? Maybe he can help us. [They carry gomonik up to the computer lab where they find stras.] hotamar : Are you Miracle stras who used to work for tamka? stras : Yes, but hauckg fired me. Thanks for bringing up such a painful memory - while you're at it, why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? [hotamar goes to the blue box, gets a sheet of paper and gives stras a big paper cut.] hotamar : Sorry, I don't have any lemon juice. stras : Go away. hotamar : No, we need you to help us. Our friend is dead. stras : Woohoo - look who knows so much. For your information he is only mostly dead. hotamar : It's a she. stras : Whatever. If she was all dead, there's only one thing we could do. chiui : What's that? stras : Use her to decorate the chariot. But since she's only partly dead, I can save her. How much money do you have? hotamar : $23. chiui : I have $18.75 - do you take American Express? stras : Of course. OK, here's a Miracle Whip. Wait half an hour before using it for best effectiveness. hotamar : What do we do? stras : Whip her with it. If that doesn't wake her up, I can't help you. chiui : Thanks. hotamar, how much should I tip on $675? hotamar : $100 is good. stras : Thanks, come again. [They take the Miracle Whip and gomonik back across the street where there are now 15 or so people guarding the door.] chiui : Has it been 30 minutes yet? hotamar : I don't know, but we can't wait any longer. [chiui whips gomonik who doesn't respond.] chiui : How can we tell if it worked? hotamar : I don't know. Wait a minute, then we'll try again. gomonik : And I'll whip you right back! chiui : It worked! gomonik : How come I can't move? hotamar : You were mostly dead. chiui : We need to raid the EngSci building to find the student in black and the 13 fingered man. gomonik : I don't care what kind of fetishes you have, but you can count me out. hotamar : The student in black is your boyfriend, isn't he? gomonik : Oh, you mean duez? Oh yes, please, let's save him. What do you mean "raid the building"? chiui : The door is guarded by 15 students. gomonik : And what are our assets? hotamar : My darts, her cards and your brains. chiui : You just moved wiggled your finger. That doesn't make you happy? gomonik : Her darts, your cards and my brains against 15 students and a little finger wiggle is supposed to make me happy? hotamar : Hey, don't underestimate little finger wiggles. gomonik : If only we had some ox tendon, we could build a ballista or a suspension bridge. chiui : I know an indy. gomonik : Why didn't you list that among our assets at the beginning? Now what I wouldn't give for a spare artsie. hotamar : There goes one now. [Minutes later, outside the gate, the Master at Arms is supervising party security when an artsie runs by with a hardhat.] indy : Help! He stole my hardhat! Short Round: Indy! Come back! [Like good engineers, all of the security crew go after the artsie, except karczma, who is getting paid to stay there. As soon as they all leave, hotamar and chiui carried gomonik up to the door.] gomonik : Give us the key. karczma : OK, here. hotamar : chiui, jog his memory. [chiui hits karczma in the jaw with a nice right hook and he goes down like a sack of potatoes. Inside, hauckg hears the commotion outside and hurries through his wedding. duez looks around and waits for the right moment to lift his veil, give hauckg a good teasing and make his escape. mtanel hurries out with some goons to find out what the problem is. In the hall, mtanel and his men meet chiui, gomonik and hotamar on their way in. The men ready to charge, but chiui draws her bow, and they all run off. hotamar looks at mtanel and his 13 fingers.] hotamar : Hello, my name is hotamar. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I'm coming to get you. It's payback time. You're going to wish you'd never messed with hotamar, typist, master of the keyboard and your worst nightmare! [mtanel runs off, hotamar gives chase. She loses him briefly, and when she comes around the corner he throws a tennis ball at her, hitting her directly in the stomach. hotamar : Hello, my name is hotamar. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I'm coming to get you. It's payback time. You're going to wish you'd never messed with hotamar, typist, master of the keyboard and your worst nightmare! mtanel : You must be that typist I gave a lesson to all those years ago. Have you been chasing me all this time? How sad. hotamar : Hello, my name is hotamar. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I'm coming to get you. It's payback time. You're going to wish you'd never messed with hotamar, typist, master of the keyboard and your worst nightmare! mtanel : Stop saying that! [A great fight takes place.] hotamar : Hello, my name is hotamar. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I'm coming to get you. It's payback time. You're going to wish you'd never messed with hotamar, typist, master of the keyboard and your worst nightmare! Hello, my name is hotamar. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I'm coming to get you. It's payback time. You're going to wish you'd never messed with hotamar, typist, master of the keyboard and your worst nightmare! Hello, my name is hotamar. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I'm coming to get you. It's payback time. You're going to wish you'd never messed with hotamar, typist, master of the keyboard and your worst nightmare! [hotamar gets mtanel at her mercy and produces her father's magnificent keyboard.] mtanel : What do you want? I'll give you anything! hotamar : Type! [mtanel starts typing wildly.] mtanel : Say, this is much easier with 8 nice columns of keys for my left hand and the important things to the right! hotamar : Type! [mtanel keeps typing, and pretty soon his wrists hurt.] mtanel : I have carpal tunnel syndrome, I've got to stop. hotamar : Type! [mtanel starts crying, but keeps typing. Eventually he dies of RSI. hauckg panics and pauses the wedding. duez sees his opportunity, and just for laughs lifts his veil briefly to give tamka a kiss. tamka faints. hauckg hurries out and duez hurries after him. In the hall, hauckg meets gomonik who's sitting on the floor.] gomonik : Hiya, hauckg. hauckg : You! Wait, then who? duez : Hello handsome! [hauckg goes pale, gomonik and duez have a good laugh. hauckg goes through his pockets, produces a key and challenges duez.] hauckg : To the death! gomonik : No! To the pain! duez : The pain? hauckg : I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that expression. gomonik : The pain means that I get a bunch of people to go through the reports, papers and exams, anything that's submitted or returned in a public place and remove anything with your name on it. The pain means that you never know if something you worked all night on will ever make it to the TA. Every time you accidentally leave yourself logged in, your files will disappear, in their place will be tons of pornography, you'll send offensive email to everyone in the world, and it will all be reported before you know it. When you apply for jobs, follow up letters will be sent in your name withdrawing your application and insulting the companies, recruiters and managers. The pain means that anything offensive you say or do, anything that's potentially embarrassing is exploited to... hauckg : OK, I get the picture. [gomonik slowly gets to her feet.] gomonik : Drop your key! [hauckg drops his key just as hotamar runs back in. gomonik falls down.] hotamar : Help her. duez : What's wrong? hotamar : She's been mostly dead all day. duez : Cool. hauckg : I knew she was bluffing. gomonik : Bluffing? You listen here - that was no bluff, but if I am ever bluffing, if you ever suspect I am bluffing, then you had better fall for it, understand? [A horn honks outside. chiui rushes in.] chiui : I found a Pathfinder. It seats four, and I figured we have four if you find the guy in black, who now seems to have become a lady in white. Han Solo: Good work, chiui. zander : The four of them drove off in the Pathfinder and away to the farm. There... Well, that's artsie stuff, you don't want to hear that. rthistle: It's OK. You can read it, I don't mind. zander : There they got out some fruit, some oil paints, some musical instruments and an anthology of 18th century British poetry. In the history of performance art, there have been 5 works that have been considered the deepest, the most profound, the most powerful. This one surpassed them all. The end. You should get some rest now. rthistle: Thanks grandpa, I really enjoyed you reading me the story. Maybe you can come back and do it for me again tomorrow. zander : You're under arrest. [Fade to black.]